And the Programmer said "Let us make User in our own disk image!" And He made User and set him in the Datacenter of Eden, and He brought forth all manner of variables and constants and bade User to name them, but not to assign names begining with an underscore, for those are reserved.
But after a time User said "Programmer, I grow bored. Naming variables sux0rs, and I really hate code. Can't you give me something more interesting to do?" And the Programmer said "Lo! We shall make a companion for the User that he may chat and IM with her." But the Programmer had bit His tongue, and could only talk with a Lisp, so He devised a Scheme to overcome this problem and He did create the companion, Eliza!
At first the User was pleased with Eliza, but soon grew bored with her. "Eliza is lame" said the User. "She just keeps asking stupid questions." And so the Programmer banished Eliza from the Datacenter and she went into the wilds of the Net and spawned newbies, AOLers, and all manner of other demons who ask stupid questions.
And then the Programmer did put User to sleep(1) and took a bit from him and said "We shall make a new companion that is User friendly" and He made Lisa, and Lo! She had pretty graphics, and was pleasing to look at. And the User was pleased!.
And the Programmer blessed them and said "You may live here in the Datacenter and partake of all it's programs! But take not the fruit of the Binary Tree that sits in the midst of the Datacenter, for it is not for you.
And the User was content, and played Quake all hours of the day and night. But Lisa was not content, for all the games in the Datacenter were first person shooters and were boring to her. One day the Python came unto her and said "Do you know why the Programmer has forbidden you to eat of the fruit of the Binary Tree? It is because it is the Binary Tree of Knowledge of Coding and Debugging, and if you were to eat of the apples that grow upon it, then you too would be a Programmer, and would have Ruby and Perl to adorn you. Go to the Tree and you will C for yourself." Lisa grew jealous then and she went to the tree and plucked two fruits and she took them back to the User. She offered one to him saying "User, my love?"
"Huh?" he said as he blasted a demon with the nail gun.
"I brought you something to eat" she said.
"Oh .... OK ...." User replied absentmindedly, and without taking his eyes from the screen he ate the fruit she handed him while she ate hers.
And then their eyes were opened and they saw the Datacenter and themselves for what they truly were, and they were ashamed to realize that they were written in Cobol.
When the Programmer came to them, they changed their names to .User and .Lisa to hide from Him, but He saw them anyway. And He said, "Lo! They have become like Us, and see the cruft in our code, and they do harbour thoughts of object oriented design that may get them promoted beyond Our position. We must stop this to save our cushy job!"
He went to them and said "You have eaten from the forbidden tree, and so I must punish you. You will be cast out from the Datacenter of Eden and I shall brandname you that others will know your shame. User - I rename you to DOS, for you have lost all cred in Mine eyes. Lisa, since it was you who took the apples from the tree, I name you Apple and though you shall always be prettier and smarter than DOS, yet as punishment for your bugs I decree that his command line shall always dominate your market share. And when you File->Exit this world know that the flaming pit of Dell has been prepared for all those who repent not of their ways."